(no subject)

[drydem]

I am sick of living a life of insecurity and doubt. It seems that I am living out the vagaries of those around me and that just makes me crazy. It's very hard to be a high-self monitor when you see bad reflections of yourself. I am also sick of being afraid of mean people. It is hard to really trust anyone who takes pride in breaking people down. I want to be around people who spend more time building others up or finding strengths rather than chinks in the personal armor. It upsets me because I have to build myself up just to be with these people and this leaves my ego somewhat drained. It's like physically holding up a shield leaves your arms tired and without strength. But I find that nothing I do recently builds my ego at all. I just end up feeling worse and worse about myself and it is so very frustrating.