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Pronouns and Degrees
Oct. 11th, 2018 03:02 pmSo, I feel about my pronouns similar to the way I feel about my academic titles.
Getting a doctorate did not make me a different person, even though it meant that I could call myself doctor. It doesn't mean that I am a fundamentally different person from others. It's a socially constructed distinction that doesn't actually make me feel like I am a class apart from others.
That said, I recognize that degrees mean different things to different people. For some folks, the title that comes from a degree can be used to push back against forces that seek to keep them out, can be a way of getting into spaces that feel like home and get treated in ways that resists dehumanization. The difference between calling Dr. and being called Miss in a professional context is huge. And I know gender pronouns can be the same for people, a reflection of an inward reality denied by society, a way of accessing spaces where one feels safe and accepted for ones self. But they aren't for me.
Gender has always been a role I play, the same way that I play the role of teacher or game master or American. There are aspects that I find fulfilling(helping the process of discovery, facilitating moments of narrative excitement, participating in the political process), aspects I find frustrating(classroom management and discipline, auditing character sheets, having to deal with rampant consumerism), and aspects that I reject entirely(disciplinary gatekeeping, godlike authority, supporting military adventurism). With every role, there is a balancing act as to how I perform it, what it means for me and whether it's worth it to assume the role in any given situation.
So it is with masculinity. Masculinity represents to me uncomfortable and unearned privilege, structural violence, both social and physical, and pig-headed persistence beyond reason. Men act and react with violence. Men assert themselves by denying the agency and legitimacy of those around them. Men harass and rape and murder in statistically unambiguous proportions. I won't go so far as to say all men are scum, but I really think that the majority of scum are men, so I don't think it's actually unfair to point out the correlation.
And my identity bears little resemblance to what society calls masculinity. If the role that I inhabit doesn't match what other people think the pronoun indicates, does the pronoun actually fit me? I am a goddess worshipping, vegetarian, pacifist, long-haired librarian who loves to cook and bake and is generally uncomfortable with competitions, especially if I feel myself likely to win. None of those aspects of me fit with society's idea of masculinity.
But I don't want to leave masculinity entirely. I don't want masculinity to be a hegemonic monolith of violence and oppression. I know sometimes privilege exists to be used to dismantle privilege and there are times when I can make use of this category to try and open doors for others. I mean hell, if people want masculinity to be about holding open doors, then I am gonna hold open doors that the patriarchy uses to keep people out, firmly argue for letting in more people of color, more people of various genders and sexualities, more people from the enforced margins. And there are examples of the role I wish to play in the world, the Fred Rogers, the Levar Burton, the Henry Blackwell, the Patrick Stewart, men who go out of their way to support and help.
But I just can't occupy this role all the damn time. It is exhausting to have to carry the sins of half the human race on me, just to have a chance to push back. Especially when I don't feel like the role reflects an internal reality. I don't feel like I lose any of myself by not being referred to using a masculine pronoun.
Which is to say that I am using both he and they pronouns for myself going forward. I recognize that in certain contexts, I may want to refer to the masculine role I can inhabit, just as in certain contexts, it makes sense to refer to my doctorate(though that is almost exclusively when an appeal to authority can push back against injustice). I recognize that for others, pronouns and titles can be a way of asserting one's right to spaces that they may be excluded from. But for me, those pronouns and titles are not reflective of an internal reality that must be insisted upon. I don't mind either pronoun, I just want to be clearer about who I am and what this all means to me.
TL:DR I'm using He/Him or They/Them interchangeably, masculinity for me is a role, and while I recognize its uses, my asshole roommates have made it an uncomfortable home.
Getting a doctorate did not make me a different person, even though it meant that I could call myself doctor. It doesn't mean that I am a fundamentally different person from others. It's a socially constructed distinction that doesn't actually make me feel like I am a class apart from others.
That said, I recognize that degrees mean different things to different people. For some folks, the title that comes from a degree can be used to push back against forces that seek to keep them out, can be a way of getting into spaces that feel like home and get treated in ways that resists dehumanization. The difference between calling Dr. and being called Miss in a professional context is huge. And I know gender pronouns can be the same for people, a reflection of an inward reality denied by society, a way of accessing spaces where one feels safe and accepted for ones self. But they aren't for me.
Gender has always been a role I play, the same way that I play the role of teacher or game master or American. There are aspects that I find fulfilling(helping the process of discovery, facilitating moments of narrative excitement, participating in the political process), aspects I find frustrating(classroom management and discipline, auditing character sheets, having to deal with rampant consumerism), and aspects that I reject entirely(disciplinary gatekeeping, godlike authority, supporting military adventurism). With every role, there is a balancing act as to how I perform it, what it means for me and whether it's worth it to assume the role in any given situation.
So it is with masculinity. Masculinity represents to me uncomfortable and unearned privilege, structural violence, both social and physical, and pig-headed persistence beyond reason. Men act and react with violence. Men assert themselves by denying the agency and legitimacy of those around them. Men harass and rape and murder in statistically unambiguous proportions. I won't go so far as to say all men are scum, but I really think that the majority of scum are men, so I don't think it's actually unfair to point out the correlation.
And my identity bears little resemblance to what society calls masculinity. If the role that I inhabit doesn't match what other people think the pronoun indicates, does the pronoun actually fit me? I am a goddess worshipping, vegetarian, pacifist, long-haired librarian who loves to cook and bake and is generally uncomfortable with competitions, especially if I feel myself likely to win. None of those aspects of me fit with society's idea of masculinity.
But I don't want to leave masculinity entirely. I don't want masculinity to be a hegemonic monolith of violence and oppression. I know sometimes privilege exists to be used to dismantle privilege and there are times when I can make use of this category to try and open doors for others. I mean hell, if people want masculinity to be about holding open doors, then I am gonna hold open doors that the patriarchy uses to keep people out, firmly argue for letting in more people of color, more people of various genders and sexualities, more people from the enforced margins. And there are examples of the role I wish to play in the world, the Fred Rogers, the Levar Burton, the Henry Blackwell, the Patrick Stewart, men who go out of their way to support and help.
But I just can't occupy this role all the damn time. It is exhausting to have to carry the sins of half the human race on me, just to have a chance to push back. Especially when I don't feel like the role reflects an internal reality. I don't feel like I lose any of myself by not being referred to using a masculine pronoun.
Which is to say that I am using both he and they pronouns for myself going forward. I recognize that in certain contexts, I may want to refer to the masculine role I can inhabit, just as in certain contexts, it makes sense to refer to my doctorate(though that is almost exclusively when an appeal to authority can push back against injustice). I recognize that for others, pronouns and titles can be a way of asserting one's right to spaces that they may be excluded from. But for me, those pronouns and titles are not reflective of an internal reality that must be insisted upon. I don't mind either pronoun, I just want to be clearer about who I am and what this all means to me.
TL:DR I'm using He/Him or They/Them interchangeably, masculinity for me is a role, and while I recognize its uses, my asshole roommates have made it an uncomfortable home.
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