School and Stagnation

[drydem]

Back to school again tomorrow. I sincerely hope this is the last year that I have to say that. I have two more semesters to get through and they feel like wading through molasses. Until the point where I've finished the degree, every librarian job application will feel like a pipe dream and I really want a real job. I am so sick of being underpaid hourly. Especially with the potential that adjunct work has simply dried up for me.
I feel like this longing takes me out of life in many ways. I'm in a state of limbo, waiting for the real life to begin, preparing for the next stage, and it keeps me from being fully present in what's going on around me. With looming student loans at the end of the school year, I need to spend every month counting down the finances. That makes everything I do strategic. I have to plan every dollar, every day to assure I make it through. And that's exhausting.
And the most frustrating part is that I know I'll get through it. I have the endurance of a bull. That doesn't make it fun, though.

Comments

[songquake.livejournal.com]

It sounds like it's been a terribly long process, and that the end being in sight isn't actually reducing your stress yet.

You're totally right about survivability not making things fun--or even okay. You're smart and talented, and it sucks that you've had to trudge along for such a long time. Hang in there. I hope you find time for moments of delight and opportunities for connection.

[dorchadas]

I'm in a state of limbo, waiting for the real life to begin, preparing for the next stage, and it keeps me from being fully present in what's going on around me

That's why softlykarou and I left Japan. We were kind of hiding in our tiny mountain town, letting the world pass us by like a rock in a river.

And yuck. Having to hyperbudget is horrible. (>_<)