exploration

I've realized that I don't trust anyone around me anymore. At this point there is almost nobody around me that I fully trust, either because of agendae, violations or simply lack of closeness.
I am isolated from the world by this buffer of distrust, gradually slipping into reclusiveness. I extend artificial aspects of trust, but I feel that I've overall been so terribly hidden. I need to break down my shield a bit, chip through this exterior that has me alone.
I'm not really smiling around people anymore, am I. Fear of judgement has left me stoic, left me without trust. I'm so incredibly internal that I'm not living. I'm doing some vague facsimile of life. And that's 1. not worth doing and 2. not me. I should be doing something more than just coasting through life.
So what does this mean? What does all this introspective reflection mean? It means that I am stripping down the layers. That'll mean two things. One, angry Ben will tell you when he is angry. Two, happy Ben will tell you when he is happy. Neither will retreat from their positions.

explanatory lyrics

Song of the Candle
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-Stan Rogers

realization

(important: this is not a request for *hugs* or anything like that, I'm not interested in impersonal emotional fluff)

I think I understand something now. I have felt unloved for a while now, feeling that there's been nobody who's taken my happiness and trust seriously. At least, not as seriously as I take theirs. While this is a problem that I have been facing in terms of friend relationships, my focus has been directly drawn to romantic issues, projecting these issues onto the canvas of my singularity.
I have been focusing my emotional needs onto potential mates, focusing on what I did not have in a tangible sense, in terms of a significant other, instead of understanding the overall void that existed. The problem with this is the strain it places on my psyche. When such potential mates failed to materialize or work out, then the potential would invert itself into self-destructive emotion, placing the blame for the dissatisfaction onto myself, onto my failure to succeed romantically. This is a downward spiral that led to me living life not in the present, but simultaneously in the past and the future. Instead of doing what I needed to do in the now, I focused on where I was going, seeing this goal that did not meet where I was in any meaningful way.
The trouble is, now I am feeling like I might become an emotionless husk. Indeed, I feel like that is the direction I am headed, and it doesn't seem troubling right now. It feels more like emptying a tub of dirty bathwater instead of trying to clean the dirty water itself. I don't quite know where this will leave me, but it should put me somewhere different and on steadier, earthier footing. Ffaff the Ffooter said I should.