(no subject)

I am sick of living a life of insecurity and doubt. It seems that I am living out the vagaries of those around me and that just makes me crazy. It's very hard to be a high-self monitor when you see bad reflections of yourself. I am also sick of being afraid of mean people. It is hard to really trust anyone who takes pride in breaking people down. I want to be around people who spend more time building others up or finding strengths rather than chinks in the personal armor. It upsets me because I have to build myself up just to be with these people and this leaves my ego somewhat drained. It's like physically holding up a shield leaves your arms tired and without strength. But I find that nothing I do recently builds my ego at all. I just end up feeling worse and worse about myself and it is so very frustrating.

(no subject)

I am involved in a LARP run by my gf and her ex and I don't actually feel like going on Saturday. Despite sending several e-mails in response to their requests for character actions I never recieved any response while others have recieved answers and even succeeded in taking actions between the games. I don't feel like I am part of the game at all. I feel like set dressing, like they said, there would be a Ventrue Primogen but we don't actually care who it is, let's just put Ben there and ignore his attempts at actions and requests for information. I never asked for anything unreasonable or anything. I didn't ask to learn any weird disciplines or anything, I just tried to be part of the game. It's yet another blow to my ego that makes me ask myself if anyone would notice if I just never left my room.